Lazarus Rising
by wolvesinthenight
Summary: Being resurrected is not easy or simple. The Normandy is destroyed, her comrades scattered and the Council has turned their back on her. Shepard is forced to examine the choices and attitude that led her here...and forge a new path. garrusxfemshep. REVAMPED.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own anything…including Mass Effect.**

* * *

**CITADEL NEWS NETWORK: **

**Alliance Military's SSV Normandy destroyed, Shepard listed as a casualty.**

ARCTURUS STATION- _Systems Alliance has confirmed that Commander Jane Shepard has been killed in action. Shepard's ship, the SSV Normandy came under fire from an unknown vessel whilst patrolling the Amada system in the Omega Nebula. Although most of the crew was able to evacuate Shepard and twenty-one other crew member reportedly went down with the ship. Among the casualties is Executive Officer Charles Pressly, a decorated Alliance navigator._

_Shepard dominated galactic news headlines since her appointment as the first human Spectre (Special Tactics and Reconnaissance) by the Citadel Council. Spectres , elite agents endorsed by the Citadel Council, are charged to uphold their interests throughout the galaxy. Shepard's appointment was seen as a breakthrough victory for humans and led to humanity establishing themselves more firmly in galactic politics._

_Recently Shepard was hailed a hero by the galactic community. During the Battle of the Citadel it was the actions of Shepard and her team that saved the Council and the eliminated rogue turian spectre Saren Arterius and his ship Sovereign. Because of the heroism of Shepard and the Alliance Military, Captain David Anderson was also appointed to the Citadel Council. _

_Councilor Anderson held a special press conference on the Citadel following the Alliance's announcement of Shepard's death._

" _A bright star has gone out. Commander Shepard was a hero. Not only did she advance humanity's standing in galactic affairs but has done much to improve our image. She will be mourned and remembered throughout the galaxy as a friend and a soldier"- Councilor David Anderson_

_A funeral service will be held on earth next week with an international day of mourning to follow. The service will be broadcast live on the Citadel News Network._

* * *

Before it had been silent but now there was only sound. Her vision was black and her body numb- the beep of medical equipment was deafening.

It was happening again.

She knew she had tried to wake up before -maybe even more than once- no definitely more than once.

How many times had it been now?

All she wanted to do was open her eyes.

Commander Shepard willed her fogged and stuttering mind to consciousness. Finally she managed to crack open her eyelids and brightness flooded in. Her senses began to come back to her. The smell of antiseptic stung her nose and she tasted plastic and tubes and something chemical and foul in her mouth. As her vision focused she tried to order her thoughts. Her memories of the events subsequent to her losing consciousness were tattered. She did recall there being an attack of some kind, but any details about what had occurred were lost all she remembered was the panic.

She reassured herself that she'd been in some bad scrapes before and this wasn't the first time she'd woken disorientated in the med bay. However Dr Chakwa's face was not among the two that swam above her and so fear and confusion began to clench at her chest. Try as she might to move, her body was numb and her limbs were too heavy lift. She tried to speak but her mouth was dry and choked with tubes. The two strangers seemed to be alarmed by her attempts to wake and Shepard soon felt drug-induced lethargy slither through her limbs. She wanted to scream at them no more drugs and no more medicine, no more tubes and needles – to just leave her be. But like a child's nightmare her screams emerged as frail inaudible things. The sedative misted her consciousness, stifling her thoughts. She fell into a deep and dreamless sleep where all hopes of escape were lost and forgotten.

Miranda Lawson stared at Jane Shepard. Not for the first time she marveled at how months ago the woman on the gurney before her had been some few pounds of decaying meat. Now, her vital signs and physiology all pointed to Shepard being a healthy, very alive being. She would almost call it a miracle were it not for two years of work, frustration and millions of credits.

When Cerberus received news of the Normandy's destruction and the loss of Shepard she'd been in her lab. The Illusive Man had called her to a meeting- it was the closest she had ever seen him to panicked. At the time they still held out hope that Shepard had survived despite intel that reported Normandy pilot Jeff Moreau's statement saying he'd watched Shepard get spaced. Had she survived? She'd been wearing military grade armor which would have protected her from a fair amount of damage. Unlikely? Definitely. Impossible? Maybe. But Shepard had made her name courting the dangerous and impossible and narrowly escaping. They had hoped that this time would be no different.

From the time Cerberus heard of the Normandy's destruction to the moment they discovered her body, The Illusive Man's fervor for the recovery mission had been unwavering- even though the Alliance announced Shepard as KIA. Looking back, Miranda realized that the Lazarus Project had been his contingency plan even then. Alive or dead, the Illusive Man wanted Jane Shepard.

Despite Cerberus assembling a search team in a handful of hours, it had taken days for them to find her. First they had to wait for the Alliance ship to leave. They thought the Alliance's investigation of the site would take weeks but to her surprise they simply surveyed the Normandy crash site from orbit. Reports intercepted from their "investigation" stated the wreckage was so bad, the damage to the Normandy so extensive that along with the accounts of Moreau and the surviving crew they had to conclude there was no way the Commander could have survived.

The wreck _was_ horrific. Miranda had been one of the first to see it personally. Half of it still burned in a spectrum of colors- evidence of the rare resources and chemicals that had gone into the build of the vessel. The rest of the once proud ship was mangled and broken beyond recognition. Hopes at finding Shepard alive began to trickle away.

Even if she hadn't been in the ship when it crashed, that close to Alchera, she would have succumbed to the planet's gravitational pull and likely burned up upon entering its atmosphere.

They had spent almost a day putting out the fires from the crash. Despite the danger, the Illusive Man ordered them to go ahead and start the search immediately without making sure it was safe or the remaining wreckage structurally sound. Even Alchera itself was icy, treacherous and grim which affected the morale of her team along with the macabre nature of their task. It had been a miserable few days and all seemed hopeless. Witnessing the extent of damage to the Normandy had been the first blow. The second came when they recovered Shepard's helmet.

It was early in the third day when one of the team yelled over the comm channel at his discovery. They cleared the area surrounding the helmet of debris and crowded around it in a small circle. No one would touch it or move it. It was a monument to their failure and dashed hopes.

Unaware of his plans then, Miranda had been frustrated when the order came down from the Illusive Man that the body of Jane Shepard was to be recovered at all costs. And so the search continued.

Miserably, finally, it was found under a large pile of debris and junk. Like her beloved ship, Shepard's body was burnt and mangled in such a way that when Miranda looked upon it revulsion and hopelessness unfurled in her stomach.

They had carted the sad pile of meat and broken bones and placed it into an optimized stasis pod.

Then, outfitted with a space station, a team of brilliant doctors and scientists and the best technology available- the Lazarus Project began.

The council had long ruled that as with cloning, bringing dead sentient creatures back to life was definitely not on. Although they had the technology for it, re-animating a dead human body had never been done by humans before, rather it had been achieved by an obscure salarian doctor called Selarid. His findings, however, were dismissed due to his rigorous tests and procedures and the questionable ethics behind bringing the dead back to life. More than that, in order to obtain dead bodies to work on in the first place Selarid had euthanized his patients.

As usual, council regulations and questionable ethics didn't deter the Illusive Man. It was only after months of building on Selarid's research and testing that Shepard's corpse was taken out of stasis and operated upon. Even, then, as Miranda recalled, it was touch and go. Although the conditions of Alchera had help in the way of preserving the corpse from decomposition, it was still more degraded than anything Selarid had successfully brought back. They concluded that Shepard was to be rebuilt with a combination of organic tissue force grown from her DNA as well as substantial cybernetic implants.

And here she was, thought Miranda, checking that none of the many tubes attached to Shepard had detached during her recent episode. After her numerous attempts at awakening they had been steadily increasingly her sedatives to keep her under. The Illusive Man thought Miranda was delaying waking Shepard. But it wasn't all that simple. Although she and the doctors had gotten Shepard's body back to peak condition no one could comment on her mental state. Muscles and tissue were one thing, regenerating and revitalizing dead brain matter was infinitely more complex. The margin for error was infinitesimal.

After all this time, money and effort, if they were to wake her now and discover she was a drooling lunatic, well, Miranda didn't know what she would do. Rather the corpse had just been unsalvageable from the beginning then.

Wilson shuffled around the room checking machines and recording findings. He was more highly strung than usual.

"Wilson" She said firmly, " If you have something on your mind then rather leave that to me. This is a crucial stage, I won't tolerate mistakes". Wilson tensed as she took the datapad from his hands.

" You've been saying that for months. When are you going to do it?" He asked tightly.

" Soon," she said and dismissed him. It was only a matter of time. She was running out of excuses. Internally everything was fine but Miranda, ever the perfectionist she had insisted that if the Illusive Man wanted Shepard "complete"- exactly as she was before, then he would have to wait for her scarring to heal too. It would take a few days she concluded as she scrolled through the datapad of the latest test results. Neural activity was good, but the brain was always tricky. There was no way to predict if Shepard really would be the same person upon awakening.

And even on the off chance that Shepard was herself when she woke up there were no guarantees that she would be loyal to Cerberus. Miranda had worn out the argument of implanting a neural chip into Shepard's brain - the Illusive man wouldn't hear of it.

The lab was quiet and empty besides Miranda and Shepard. She made some last minute alterations to her sedative dosages.

"Won't be long now" Miranda said, regarding the comatose Commander, " You better be ready to save the galaxy again"

* * *

**Hello, hello. Well this story had been on hiatus for a number of reasons- mostly to do with the fact that I was trying my best not to play Mass Effect until the ending DLC had been released. Well that's over now and let's say no more on the subject of the canon ending.**

**I read back what I had written recently and really, liked it but there were a few problems. I had originally planned this story as an in-depth (somewhat AU) look at the Shepard's turmoil at the beginning of ME2. I found her reaction to everything that had happened in the game extremely…flat. It annoyed me. She'd been brought back from the dead after two years without being asked and stuffed full of cybernetics, everyone she'd cared about had moved on with their lives, the people she'd worked for (council and alliance) had abandoned her as well as her findings (reapers) and then pretty much called her crazy. I know Shepard is supposed to be amazing etc but I don't think it's possible for anyone with any emotional depth not to react to all that.**

**So this fic was largely to remedy that for me. I'd planned to follow the game as closely as possible with a few exceptions. This plan has been scrapped.**

**I'd written a few chapters ahead and found that I was skipping out some of the most plot essential scenes because the "reader" already knew what had happened (as it happened in the game). Attempting to write theses scenes in, however, felt incredibly tedious, futile and time-consuming as I had to youtube cutescenes so I could remember details (sigh)…The result was that there was the inbetween moments of drama and emotions etc but very little plot kinda like all meat but no sandwich to hold it together.**

**So I'll be keeping the emotional turmoil stuff but a lot of the contents will be AU (the original collectors etc stuff will remain tho). Mostly in the form of plot that involves Shepard's past as well as existing elements in the game. It was planned originally as a sort of tangential chapter or two but will now make up most of the story. This isn't something I shoe-horned in…I put in a huge amount of effort to make it run streamline together with the canon plot without significantly altering it or its outcome.**

**so, yeah. Please enjoy**


	2. Chapter 2

[:/START TRANSMISSION:/]

its going to happen soon

yt`1AR45H6/UTv8\\:53bsjn]{LSFW7K[[L9EO";'LWEN;FJA  
decrypting…  
**ARRANG3MENTS IN P/_ACE. SEND S1GNAL / WH3N RE4DY_**

whats the plan

23/W9294`RTHR:"/5TG5TS;'542FERGYSETHHWGHRDT  
decrypting…  
**V1RUS UPLO D TO LAZ4RU$ S3CUR1TY SYSTEM/B3 R3EDY T0 MOVE IMMEDIATE/Y. MA1NTA/N C.0VER.**

and then what

392U0;'[[9IRJ02';;.93J902&\tgyi8932ndn/:_\n29\09KJSDJO4KFMK94K9990*(&^HOIKLOo*))((()8JJJJJP94ROJ  
decrypting...  
**REND3V0UZ WITH AGENT$ AT ExTRACT1ON PO1NT**

**P4YMENT^ WIlL BE TR2NSFERRED_UPON RECI3\/AL OF THE P4CKAG3. SUBJECT MUST BE 1NTACT.**

* * *

The security mechs hit the wall with a loud crunch. The blue halo of biotic energy flickered and died. Jacob Taylor was cornered. He didn't know how it had all started – whether it was the result of a malfunction or hack, but the usually quiet Lazarus research station had turned into a battlefield overnight. He'd been fending off waves of security mechs for almost an hour now and was running out of thermal clips. The familiar fatigue and pain behind his eyes signaled that he was in danger of over-exerting his biotics. He brought up his omni tool for the umpteenth time, trying to pin-point the error preventing him from communicating over the comm channel. Seconds ticked by and more mechs flooded in, he grunted in frustration- he'd never been good with tech.

The doors leading from the medical lab slid open with a hiss. Jacob readied his weapon and turned to face whoever had entered. He rocked back, shocked. Shepard jogged in- alive, conscious, in heavy armor and armed with a pistol. She lifted it in his direction and took out a handful of mech across the room. In a second all the warnings and discussions about the possibility of Shepard's mental state being fractured sped to the forefront of his mind. Immediately, however, his concerns were over-ruled by the desire for survival. Shepard had a weapon and was well enough to help him fight- his chances of getting out of this mess had just greatly improved.

She sprinted toward him and crouched behind cover. He'd only ever seen Shepard in vids and comatose on a slab with tubes poking out everywhere. Seeing the Commander conscious and alive brought the full weight of what Cerberus had done upon him. They had resurrected someone from the dead- brought them back to life. It was unsettling- frightening even.

"I thought things were already pretty bad, but if you're awake they must be worse than I thought", He said. Up close he could see the almost-healed scars on her face. There was no way Miranda would have woken her up without her being perfect – not unless it was an emergency.

Shepard stared at him mutely.

"Uh, I'm sorry Shepard. I'm Jacob Taylor" He added, realizing she'd just woken up and likely no idea who he was.

"Where am I" she asked. Her voice was deeper than he had expected and held a familiar authoritative edge. He was reminded immediately of his military training and time in the Alliance.

"You're aboard the Lazarus Space Station, Commander" he answered formally. Shepard opened her mouth to say more but an incoming wave of security mechs attacked. She realized she would have to stow her questions until later. The mechs weren't exactly tough but she was still groggy from whatever meds they had been pumping full of and all she had was a pistol.

She'd decided waking up in a medical lab with no recollection of how you got there is not a good experience. Maybe it was the medication, maybe it was her fragmented memory but everything seemed surreal- the station, the women over the intercom and now this Jacob Taylor. The voice she had awoken to was unfamiliar and panicked; she barely processed all that was said. All she caught was 'attack' and the location of armor and a pistol. It had taken a few moments to croak out "There's no thermal clip". She must have been under for a while, her lips were dry and cracked, her throat clogged, her voice rusty. The labs she made her way through were all bright lights, white walls and advanced tech- more advanced than she even remembered existing. There was nothing familiar to grasp a hold of. She felt lost and displaced.

The clues from the datapads she's managed to find between fighting her way through the station had told her that which was obvious; she'd been injured, and some advanced medical research lab had fixed her- The Lazarus Project, it was called. She'd even managed to hack a one or two consoles, Garrus would be impressed. He'd been unsuccessfully trying to impart some of his tech wisdom to her since the day they'd met.

She tried to remember the last time she'd spoken to him but her directing her thoughts was like swimming through slurry. She guessed whatever happened to her had it had been bad- she couldn't even remember how she'd been injured. All she could focus on was the here and now. With a jolt of worry she wondered if everyone know where she was, knew she was okay

Her mind whispered to try harder- there was something she needed remember, something important. But another part of her violently revolted- some dark and devastating truth lingered on the cusp of her memory. She wasn't ready yet.

Instead she put a well-placed bullet through the visor of a security mech and watched it shudder and then explode.

She and Jacob fought their way through more sections of the Station. There was no way that this is a government operation, she thought, everything was top of the range even the furnishings were classy and expensive. But what kind of medical facility needed such high security? And then it occurred to her and she shivered- If this was a medical facility, where were the rest of the patients? Besides her own rooms all she had seen where labs and offices. Had she been the only patient?

They had been too busy fighting to have a proper conversation or talk about looking for survivors on the station. But when they entered the tech labs Shepard and Jacob found a man called Wilson. He was a slight, balding man, and twitchy- even after Shepard gave him Medi-gel to heal his leg wound. She was immediately needled by his abrasive attitude.

"The station is lost" Wilson spat, "We're the only survivors- If we want to stay alive we have to get to the shuttle hangar now". Shepard sighed, exhausted.

"I agree with the first part. But no survivors?" she frowned, "We found you, didn't we? And I spoke to someone called Miranda over the intercom in the labs"

" Miranda!" exclaimed Jacob, " She's still alive? You should've mentioned this sooner, Shepard". She huffed in irritation but her thoughts at a possible retort were cut short by Wilson.

"Miranda? If she's not dead already she will be. Last I checked she's was in the crew quarters. There's an army of mechs between her and us- it'd be suicide. Besides, Shepard, who's Miranda to you, anyway?"

"You're right" she agreed, "I don't know her, I don't know any of you. But I need answers and from what I've gathered, Miranda was in charge here". Shepard waited for them to say they would split up and leave without her- she was prepared for it, no doubt there was more than one shuttle, or just as likely more than one way off a mammoth station like this. Wilson looked annoyed but said nothing. Jacob stared at her - the look of a soldier waiting to receive orders. She was instantly furious- did she have a tattoo on her forehead saying "please rely on my in a crisis".

"Okay" she said more resolutely than she felt, " For now let's just keep mo-" Shepard was cut off by the door on the far side of the room exploding and mechs pouring in. She fought them off with the help of Jacob and Wilson and moved into the next room, checking that all threats were neutralized.

Jacob grabbed her arm and stopped her after a few steps.

"Shepard, just wait. Things are getting pretty bad. Before we go any further there's something you need to know." Shepard waited for him to continue, Wilson fidgeted nervously,

"Shepard. The Lazarus Project, this station- It's funded and run by Cerberus. They're a-"

"I know who they" Shepard interrupted. Her stomach had turned to lead. How the hell had she gotten mixed up in this? She began to pace the room nervously.

"Do you think you could have this conversation another time? Maybe when we aren't about to get shot at? The more time we waste here the more likely the security mechs have over-run the shuttle bay". Jacob and Shepard stared at one another and she turned and nodded at Wilson. She would have to keep her questions to herself for now. But something about Wilson's nervous behavior and eagerness to abandon his colleagues piqued Shepard's suspicion. They crossed the room and she watched him hack the door control effortlessly.

Shepard, so distracted at worrying about Wilson was surprised when the doors opened to reveal a woman with her pistol raised. It happened quickly, she squeezed the trigger and Wilson got a bullet between the eyes. Shepard readied her weapon, only too late.

"Miranda!" cried Jacob, shocked "What the hell!?"

Miranda, she thought- the voice on the intercom. The woman just regarded her and Jacob indifferently.

"Wilson was a traitor" she said, "He's the one who hacked the security system and rigged the mechs". Shepard released a sigh and holstered her weapon.

"I knew something about him was off"

"Good instincts, Shepard, "Miranda observed, "Now let's get off this station. We have a lot to talk about"


	3. Chapter 3

**Excerpts from Kelly Chambers Notes**  
_DAY 1_  
_C. Shepard appears familiar with psychological evaluation procedures, direct approach is doubtful to yield useful results. During initial interaction patient does show disinterests in events and people around her bordering on detachment. Personal observation suggests there is evidence of post-traumatic stress disorder, however must compare this to evaluations before death. Will consult military records and C. Shepard's classified psych records history to establish a baseline for patient's mental state. Due to history in military and service record prior to death it is unclear whether PTSD is a result solely of death and subsequent re-animation. Procedural memory apparently sound according to Operative Lawson's report however amnesia suggests PTSD manifested as a result of death although brain damage also a possible explanation- neurological and scans and tests will confirm this. Recall before death seems intact, whether anterograde or lacunar amnesia is undetermined at this point. Dissociative amnesia most likely in my opinion. Further tests required._

_DAY 2_

_Tests confirm no damage to brain or nervous system leads to a diagnosis of dissociative amnesia due to repressed memory of crash and subsequent death. Security footage from medical labs and personal quarters show C. Shepard's disinterest and detachment may be pathological. Further coping mechanism? Fit with PTSD diagnoses but shows significant psychological decline from baseline established with military psych evals. Dissociation symptoms best case manifest as antisocial behaviour worst case C. Shepard will degrade into pathological depersonalization disorder. Further observation essential._

* * *

The UT-47 Kodiak Drop Shuttle zoomed through space, abandoning the Lazarus station as it self-destructed. Shepard felt an over-whelming claustrophobia that had little to do with the size of the vessel's cabin and more to do with the two Cerberus personnel sitting opposite her. She thought she'd be the one doing the interrogating but it seemed they only let her take charge when it was convenient. Any questions she had were abruptly and authoritatively shut down by the woman called Miranda,

" Shepard you were just awoken prematurely from a chemically induced coma. Whatever you have to ask can wait until you've been examined medically". Shepard uncharacteristically surrendered- she was exhausted and confused. Her limbs felt like they'd been carved from lead and an incessant buzzing seemed to growing in volume in her skull. She slumped back and let Miranda ply her with queries on how this or that "felt".

" Any numbness or tingling in the extremities?" Miranda quizzed.

"No" Shepard answered.

"What about stiffness or joint pain?"

"No"

" How's your head feeling- Dizziness, disorientation or –"

" I have a uh, headache" Shepard interrupted rubbing the back of her neck. Miranda made a note on a datapad she'd supplied seemingly form nowhere. She made Shepard describe the pain and source of the headache in detail.

" Any blurred vision?"

" No, just the headache" She answered tiredly. Jacob who had been silent during Miranda's questioning spoke up,

" I think that's enough, give her a rest ,Miranda. We've all had a long day". Miranda gave Jacob a hard look.

" We can't discount any symptoms, Jacob. Even if it isn't an injury, what she's describing could indicate other…issues". Jacob sat up straighter,

" C'mon Miranda, really? Shepard just fought through her way through an army of mechs- probably saved our lives. She's fine". Miranda huffed in irritation

" Don't be naïve Jacob. Tests before the attack only indicated she was fine _physically…_" Shepard had been slumped back, detached; barely noticing them bicker like two parents over a wayward child. Her focus quickly narrowed, however when she caught Miranda's implication. Jacob and Miranda were abruptly silent when they noticed Shepard's intent expression.

" Oh, don't mind me" she said quietly, " by all means continue discussing how you think I'm crazy"

"Shepard. We don't- " Jacob began,

" No, Jacob. This isn't the time or place for this conversation" Miranda cut in. Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose and leaned forward. She was exhausted but the unease she had awoken to in her gut was growing difficult to ignore. It would only be banished by answers. Her patience had run out.

" Now is exactly the time for this conversation. Where the hell are my crew, and where the hell is my ship? If you think they won't come for me then you 're dead wrong". Shepard announced tightly, finishing with a growl.

Miranda and Jacob stared at her in mute disbelief for what seemed like minutes.

" Jacob, how far out are we from our destination?" She asked in a quiet voice, eyes never leaving Shepard.

" I, uh" Jacob mumbled intelligible and checked his omni-tool, " I'm not sure, maybe an hour" He said soberly, before banishing his omni-tools diplay. Shepard grew cold- she was frightened by how they stared at her- like she was a time-bomb. Minutes dragged by in silence.

" Miranda," Jacob said eventually, in a tortured voice, " We need to do something"

" Jacob. We can't do anything until…" She trailed off seemingly at a loss for words, " We need to get to the station now. Doesn't this thing go any faster?"

" This is _wrong,_ Miranda" he whispered tightly, " We can't just leave her like this". Shepard watched the scene unfolding. The pain in her head seemed to have increased ten-fold. Jacob looked drawn and tortured, Miranda looked frustrated- and hopeless.

" We aren't _going _to leave her like this. We'll run tests when we-"

" Just tell me what's wrong with me" Shepard said in tired voice, " I take it something's happened to the Normandy". Miranda and Jacob let the silence stretch by as they both stared at Shepard's expression.

" Miranda," Jacob began, without looking away from Shepard's face, " She needs to know"

" Jacob, I'm ordering you to stop-" Miranda started, flicking her gaze to him. Shepard leveled her with a threatening glare and she fell silent. Jacob grew sober and looked at the floor,

" Shepard, I don't know how to tell you this…" He trailed off and didn't continue. Miranda sighed wearily, resigned.

" What's the last thing you remember?" She asked carefully. Shepard swallowed the lump in her throat and cast her mind back past her awakening on the Lazarus Station and found what she was looking for. She'd been in her quarters combing through Alliance reports when the ship had lurched sideways sending her coffee and datapads flying off the table. Before she'd known what was happening she found herself putting on armor and clicking the protective plating into place.

" The Normandy…" she began, " It was attacked. Oh god, the crew did they-?"

" Most of your crew made it off before the ship went down- but, Shepard, there were casualties" Miranda told her. Shepard felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to the centre of her chest. She was caving in on herself. The faces of her crew cycled before her mind- she couldn't bring herself to guess which ones were…

"Who?" she asked, her voice thick.

" I don't have uh, a full list with me, but, one of the them… Shepard, you remember the attack on the Normandy but, there's more after that. Try to remember". Shepard's thoughts had slowed to a crawl- attempting to process what Miranda was trying to say but skirting around. Then she remembered Joker's face, crumpled with horror as she slammed the receiver, engaging the escape pod.

And then…

There were stars. And everything was completely still, completely silent – save for sound of her choking for oxygen. Her memories came crashing around her.

" I was one of the casualties, wasn't I? Oh, god. I got spaced- _I died_. This is impossible. How am I even…here?" Jacob visibly sagged with relief- his conscience satisfied that the truth was out. But tight panic bloomed in Shepard's chest.

" The Lazarus Project- it was set up with the sole purpose of bringing you back, Shepard, " Miranda explained slowly, " I gave two years of my life to rebuild you". What was it that she had said 'rebuild' like she was a machine or a toy.

And then, just like that, the universe just disappeared, stopped. When Shepard registered "two years"- for an excruciating moment time froze. She'd been dead for two years? And she suddenly remembered,

" the Reapers?" she asked, panic lacing every syllable. Jacob shifted uncomfortably in his seat,

" There's been no sign of them" he said in a small voice.

Shepard quashed the ridiculous urge to laugh. Life, it seemed, had carried on fine without her. No doubt, so too had the small group of individuals she counted as those she cared for - they be strangers to her now. What she'd fought for, she realized, those she had fought with...

" Miranda, Shepard. We coming in close to our destination now" Jacob said as his omni-tool pinged, "We should be docking soon"

They all were silent for the rest of the journey.

* * *

A large wing of the Hades IV station had been cleared for Shepard and a medical team assembled. Miranda sat in her newly acquired office and sighed tiredly, remember the past 24 hours. Upon arrival Shepard had still worn the blank expression she'd that she'd slid on during the shuttle ride- when she'd remembered the fate of the Normandy. She'd been mute and co-operative from that point, even going so far as to submit herself to every test Miranda could think of. But dozens of scans and reading had revealed no damage to her brain.

So Miranda and the new psych consultant had concluded that Shepard's slow recovery of her recent memories was due to emotional trauma. This had been bad news for everyone- physical damage they could fix, emotional damage was more…complicated.

Shepard's mental state upon awakening had always been a concern in the Lazarus Project. All the same, to have their fears come to pass had illuminated a truth that'd been made easy to forget- Shepard was human an thus fallible After her death the Council and Alliance had had free reign to mold her image as they wished it- the ideal soldier, steadfast and unwavering, ready to sacrifice everything for the good of the galaxy. But now Miranda knew better- Shepard was as flawed and vulnerable as most.

All the same, Miranda knew they would probably be heading out soon. The Illusive Man had briefed her at the first possible moment. According to his orders Shepard was to be out and in the action as soon as the doctors declared her physically sound. The more she thought about it the more the idea twisted her gut. So much relied on her – they were doomed. Shepard was damaged and not fit to be in command.

And so Miranda had requested a meeting with the Illusive Man to relay her concerns and possible solutions. Restless energy nagged at her- she was nervous. The Illusive Man was her superior and now she was providing her opinion unasked. She hardened her resolve, pushed out her chair, left her office and headed to the conference room. The doors slid closed behind her, blocking out any noise from the rest. The room was still and quiet.

Miranda walked forward on to the holo-projection scanner. It engaged and orange lights traced over her body. After a few moments the projection of the Illusive man appeared.

"Miranda" he said, " I was surprised when I got your message. I thought you'd be preparing to depart". Miranda watched as the holographic projection took a dragged on cigarette.

" I am" she said, " I requested this meeting out of concern for the mission". The Illusive Man regarded her neutrally. She took his silence as her cue to continue.

" We underestimated Shepard's reaction to the trauma of the Normandy crash- to her dying. I think it would be best if we put measures in place to avoid her mental state having any negative…consequences"

" Shepard will be fine, Miranda. She's a soldier. She'll do what's required of her"

" With respect sir, you weren't in the shuttle on the way back from the Lazarus Station" she said carefully, " Shepard was, _is_…disturbed"

" Yes, you indicated as much in your report. What interest me, though, is how you thought that an appropriate forum to discuss Shepard's recent death and destruction of her crew with her. It should have been in a controlled environment with professionals- and monitored for posterity of course" he took deep drag on his cigarette, picked up a tumbler and swilled the ice and liquid in it, "If what your report says is true and Shepard is psychologically disturbed then her reaction could have been worse. Your actions were negligent". Although smoothly, calmly delivered Miranda took the reprimand hard.

" Be that as it may" she answered slowly, "I still don't believe Shepard is ready. We should implant the neuro-chip we discussed. Barring that you should at least put someone else in command of the mission…and Shepard. If so much is to depends on her then we need some insurance- a contingency plan". The Illusive Man took a sip of his drink and said nothing for a few moments.

" Plans will stay as they are, Miranda" he said calmly, " You need to trust in Shepard's abilities- or at least trust in my assessment of them. I believe it's a part of her nature to get things done- no matter what she might be going through emotionally. Besides that, her past deeds alone are enough to get people to rally to her cause."

The holo-projection vanished with a beep and the light in the conference room came back up. Miranda frowned; she didn't know why she'd believed that airing her thoughts and concerns would have made a difference- it hadn't when it came to the control-chip. The Illusive Man always had an alternate agenda- something up his sleeve, and kept all his people in the dark until the last possible moment. It was just the way it he did things and she had to admit that so far it had always worked

* * *

Shepard lay on the bed in the room they had confined her to- relaxing now that she was finally, mercifully free of tubes and needles. Since she'd arrived at what she'd been told was a secret Cerberus station they'd put her through dozens of tests and hooked her up to various machines and drugs. She'd made no complaint- only surrendered to the flow of events. At first what they were trying to do was unknown to her. True, she suspected being brought back from the dead required more than the usual amount of medical attention and monitoring but it had all come together when a woman, who introduced herself as Kelly Chambers, had entered her room and begun to ask questions. Shepard having been no stranger to psych evaluations realized Chambers was a shrink.

Shepard had submitted to many 'psych-evals' in her service with the Alliance and most recently had done so before she'd been promoted to Anderson's XO on the Normandy – the questions they all asked were the same. Chambers verbally poked and prodded Shepard- trying to elicit a reaction. However she'd answered unemotionally- with airy feeling of detachment as if she was running on autopilot. The old Shepard, the part of her that seemed to flicker in and out of existence like an annoying tenant reluctantly being evicted, seemed to seethe with righteous indignation at the notion that everyone somehow thought she was crazy. Mostly, however, Shepard just went along with it, to worn-out and numb to protest.

Looking back on the past day or so Shepard realized that she probably should have expected as much. Ever since the illuminating shuttle ride from the Lazarus Station she couldn't help feeling that the world and reality was somehow in the distance. She often caught herself absently staring at her hands, regarding them curiously as if she had forgotten what they were for. She wondered if she'd stay feeling like this – if something would ever ground her back to reality. Thoughts about her old squadmates came to often but were quickly expunged. It was the not knowing that was driving her up the wall- anything could have happened in two.

Anything except a Reaper invasion it seemed. Maybe she should be glad everyone probably thought she was dead. She'd harped on about the Reapers ad nauseum and now she could just imagine the Council's smug faces.

The doors to her room slid open and Miranda sauntered in holding a vacuum sealed container. She placed it on the end of the bed. Shepard stared at her, waiting for her to speak.

" Shepard" Miranda began, " All your medical tests say you're fit for duty. You're due to report to the Illusive Man in the conference room now"

"Illusive Man?"

" He's the head of our organization no one knows his real identity. He's known only as the "Illusive Man" Miranda said, completely serious. Shepard was briefly incredulous,

" You people need to lay off the old spy vids" she scoffed. Miranda supplied no reaction to the comment. Instead she pointed at the container she'd placed on the bed.

" Your uniform is in there" she said, " we've also issued you with an omni-tool which should automatically sync to your auditory implants once activated so you can immediately start receiving orders over the comm channel." Shepard reached for container and pressed the clip open it. The hermetic seal released with a hiss and she opened it, revealing its contents. The container was divided into compartments where equipment was stowed as well as the black, white and orange Cerberus uniform she'd on the most of the personnel she'd encountered so far.

" It reminds me of the trooper packs the Alliance issue after you've completed training" Shepard said to no one in particular,

" You'll have no problems, then" Miranda said, curt as always, " I'll leave you to change". Shepard watched as she left and the doors slid shut. When she'd arrived they'd stripped her of her armor and put her in a drafty hospital shift. She wasn't shy- modesty and privacy is the first to go when you have to live in a military barracks, but felt good to have real clothes.

Shepard pulled off the hospital gown and stood naked in the room for a few moments. She traced a line of scarring from her abdomen to under her breast. Her skin seemed littered by such scarring forming a geometric pattern over her body which gave her the impression that she'd been re-assembled like some sort of puzzle. 'Rebuilt' is what Miranda had called it, she thought with a hollow laugh. They hadn't given her a mirror when she'd asked for one but she could feel that the scarring also extended to her face. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. She'd never been a vain person but the knowledge that she'd been brought back from the dead made her feel like enough of a monster without the scars reminding her and those she'd met

Shepard shivered and realized that she'd been standing in the nude for a while.

The omni-tool component she saw was smaller than any she could remember and transparent- about the size of a large bottle cap. She could see minute silver tracings of circuits and hardware in it. She picked up the small oval piece of tech and marveled- it was flexible and had a soft, jelly-like consistency. She peeled off the protective covering on it's the adhesive side and pressed it to her fore-arm near her wrist. After a second or two the display flickered on- using her body heat as energy to power the device. In the past few days the repercussions of her losing two years was apparent in how every bit of tech she saw seemed to her incredibly advanced. She wondered what people a hundred years ago would have thought. She stared at the orange display of the omni-tool. It felt like only yesterday that she could barely manage operating one and was constantly relying on her more tech-savvy team mates like the time- quickly she intercepted that thread of thought, knowing where it would lead.

She slipped on the Cerberus fatigues and boots, failing badly at her attempt to ignore the prominent logo. Cerberus had claimed her it seemed.

* * *

**A/N: Mis-representing psychological/ medical stuff can be offensive to both professionals in the line of work as well as patients. Hopefully everyone who read the intro took it in the spirit of pure,pure fiction. I honestly know nothing about psychological anything but researching and writing that little excerpt was still really interesting.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys,**  
**As of 3 Sept the chapters preceding this have been revamped- some corrections here and and some additions. Nothing extensive or earth shattering although I would recommend going back and giving them a read. There's also a sort of important author's note in chapter 1.**

* * *

**WELCOME TO FREEDOM'S PROGRESS**

This is a civilian colony in association with the Systems Alliance Military . All weapons and fire-arms are prohibited without special approval and must be checked in. Kindly report to our arrivals outpost for processing.

You will now be patched through to a security operator. Thank you.

This has been an automated message.

establishing connection to SECURHQ… …  
connection aborted  
rerouting…  
establishing connection to ARRIVALCOMM… …  
connection aborted  
rerouting…  
establishing connection to RESCOMM… …  
connection aborted  
rerouting…  
establishing connection to AGRILAB… …  
connection aborted  
rerouting…  
establishing connection to SCHOOLCOMM… …  
connection aborted  
rerouting… … …  
connection failure errorcode 035317

Please contact the Systems Alliance Military. This has been an automated message.

* * *

Shepard did not meet the "Illusive Man" in person. Instead her meeting consisted of speaking to an orange, flickering hologram of a middle-aged human man. Between chain-smoking and sipping from a tumbler he spoke with a smooth charm that reminded Shepard uncomfortably of a politician. She knew that any answers she got from the man would at best be equal parts truth and lies. Nonetheless, Shepard began with the Lazarus Project,

" Getting you to this point took a lot of work" He answered when she asked for details, " You met Miranda- She oversaw the whole project. If you want specifics you should see her"

" How did this even happen?" she asked, " The Alliance are pretty strict when it comes to handling the remains of officers who die in the line of duty"

" The Alliance never investigated the incident fully. They were able to conclude you were dead due mostly to the reports of your surviving crew. When you died the war with geth forces was at still underway- protocol was different, then. No doubt they couldn't afford to expend resources searching for your remains. And the damage to the ship was extensive- whether there were even any remains to collect…well, that was doubtful". Shepard felt torn, yes prioritizing the war effort was pragmatic but she couldn't help thinking that the Alliance had been a bit quick to rule her as deceased.

" If finding my remains was as unlikely as you say what made you search for them?" she asked. The Illusive Man was silent for a few moments,

" The galaxy needs you Shepard. Only you can stand as a rallying point for humanity to defeat their enemies". Shepard laughed bitterly,

" Like the Reapers? It's been two years and still no sign of them"

" That's not what we believe", he added, " No one will admit it, Shepard but humanity is under attack- whole colonies of settlers have been mysteriously disappearing"

" Colonists disappear- slavers abduct them. There's nothing mysterious about it"

" This is different. You'll see for yourself. I'm sending you to Freedom's Progress- The most recent colony hit"

" Do I get a say in this? What if I want to retire," Shepard joked bitterly, "find a nice tropical planet and lie on a beach for the rest of my life?"

"We both know that wouldn't be long- the Reapers are coming. It's just a matter of time. Cerberus spent two years and billions of credits to resurrect you. All we're asking is for you to go Freedom's Progress and investigate what's left. You can decide if you want to_ retire _afterwards" he finished off rather caustically.

With that the holo-projection vanished. The meeting was over.

That was how Shepard found herself in a shuttle headed to the allegedly abandoned human colony. According to Cerberus' frighteningly detailed intel on the Alliance they were saying there had been a communication blackout on the colony and were en-route to investigate. Shepard would get there first. The shuttle gently bumped around as it entered the atmosphere and Shepard stifled a yawn. She'd gotten no sleep the night before but not from lack of trying.

The Cerberus station had been quiet. Shepard hadn't needed to check the door to know that it was locked. "Lights out" the last doctor had told her as she left. They obviously had expected her to rest then and it was true, after all the prodding and medical tests she was exhausted- tired in her bones. But no matter how hard she tried, her tossing and turning had not yielded to sleep. Unfortunately lying alone in that quiet dark had encouraged her mind and thoughts to turn to things she wasn't convinced she was ready to confront. Where were her old team now? She didn't worry whether they remembered her, her concern had turned more towards how they would feel about her new affliation with Cerberus. Scratch that, after all her talk and all their fighting how would they judge her in light of the Reapers supposed absence. She'd been so sure, so sure that they would strike soon.

Turning over onto her back she'd stared at the ceiling and felt impossibly alone before growing annoyed and sitting up. She hated moping. Activating her new omni-tool had filled the room with an orange glow and she found that her connection to the extranet was active. The clock read that there were still many hours before her deployment to Freedom's Progress, but she'd ignored it in favour of opening up an extranet tab. Navigating to the search page she had entered her name into the bar. News was what she wanted- about what had happened, about her squad. Two years ago seemed like an eternity, knew things would be different- the question was to what extent.

Her finger had lingered over the holographic keys, then erasing the her name from the search bar she instead entered one word: "normandy" and hit execute before she could change her mind. In a blink the engine spat out millions of results. Her eyes had scanned the page, ignoring adverts and links to historical pages. And then there it was, blinking orange and innocuous – a single line , a link to a news piece.  
**  
"Alliance Military's SSV Normandy destroyed, Shepard listed as a casualty"**

The article had been brief, there was no casualty list just one other name was given in addition to hers as deceased- Pressly. Goddamn Pressly, she'd thought and choked back a sob. They'd been at odds most of the time on the ship but slowly a professional relationship had developed. He was essential to the Normandy as any other of her squad members. Now he was dead, gone- for two years apparently, just like her. She wondered if anyone had searched for his body, valued him enough to spend " two years and billion of credits" on bringing him back. She'd been so angry, so furious then with her own goddamn myth. People didn't realize she hadn't achieved anything alone. If it weren't for people like Charles Pressly she'd have died far sooner.

She'd been about to close the page and try for sleep again when something had caught her eye off to the left of the article. A picture of a picture. Her own face framed and surrounded by flowers in front of what looked to be a coffin. She'd tapped the link and found herself navigated to a video of her funeral on earth. Something like a laugh had bubbled up from somewhere dark inside her before she'd quickly covered her mouth guiltily. A laugh but not a laugh- what else was she supposed to do?

She hadn't been able to help herself it was so bizarre she couldn't look away. She'd watched a few minutes of the funeral. Her reaction wasn't what she might have expected. All the speeches by dignitaries and high-ranking military men rang hollow. The most potent emotion she felt watching it had been humiliation, pure embarrassment at the ridiculous praise they bestowed on posthumously. She'd scanned the crowd on the podium, trying to find a familiar face- there wasn't one, not even Anderson. A short blurb at the bottom of the video revealed he hadn't been able to leave his duties at the Council. What a relief, she'd thought. Even if she had been dead, submitting her old mentor to that atrocity would have been unforgiveable.

Beneath the video had been another link, this time without a picture. Not being able to bear a second more of her funeral, she'd clicked on it hastily. It had taken her to news segment, the production value wasn't the best- its seemed to have been shot for a smaller network. The video flickered as it had shown the dark interior of a large industrial and she'd found herself muting the sound at the grating monotonous tone of the reporter. Instead, reading the information below, she'd discovered that the piece was dated a month after the Alliance had announced her officially as deceased. The story was covering the Alliance press-conference revealing the results of the investigation into her death. She was tempted to unmute the video but had stopped when she made out where it had actually been shot- The Normandy's docking terminal. Ships of the Normandy's class were usually issued permanent docking bays by the Citadel- it was rare but when a bay had to be reassigned (such as in the case of the original ship being destroyed) it took months to go through all the correct channels and paperwork.

Shepard had realized that the Normandy's dock would have thus been empty for months after her death. The camera in the video panned to the side , focusing on something that looked out of place on the dock- a memorial shrine. There was photo of her, one she had never seen, at the centre. It showed Shepard leaning on the Mako, rifle cradled, laughing at something off camera. Behind her loomed the ellipse of a planet that looked a lot like earth.

She'd paused the video then, for a closer look. Around the photograph was a plethora of …stuff, some of it was flowers, there were also a few of what looked appeared to be religious statues- asari by the look them and also human. She'd even made out the beat-up remains of a shotgun that once belonged to Wrex before he'd completely trashed it. Mostly, though there was alcohol.

It was strangely fitting, but she'd been too tired to smile. Looking at that pile of odds and ends had made her feel a strangling combination of comfort and desperate nostalgia as if the faces of her old squad looked out from those items, as mismatched and out of place as they ever were.

* * *

Miranda Jacob and Shepard stepped off the Kodiak Shuttle. It was the first time since awakening she'd been groundside on an actual planet. It felt good. She'd been in danger of starting to believe that nothing existed beyond the four walls of her Cerberus room. Despite the possible threat of danger and the serious nature of their mission Shepard felt more at ease that she could recently remember. Finally there was space to breath.

Cerberus had even issued her new gear and although it didn't have the same familiar comfort as her old equipment, having weapons on her back made her feel a little more like her old self.

She fiddled idly with the safety on her pistol. There was also the fact that being armed to the teeth with big, nasty guns had a way of making your all your problems seem a bit more manageable.

Her mag boots clip-clopped on the industrial metal walkways of the colony. The sound was familiar, as was the air of the place. If she closed her eyes and let her mind wander maybe she could try and pretend it was Garrus and Liara behind her instead of Miranda and this Jacob. At least until one of them said something…But no, she thought, a sad little smile on her face for no one to see. There was no way either of them could come close to her old squad mates. It wasn't even the species thing. Liara had been poised where Miranda was aloof, curious where Miranda was arrogant. And Jacob, he was okay, but Garrus was…just Garrus.

The last time she'd seen her favourite Turian was on the Citadel. He'd had to stay after the destruction of Soveriegn to smooth things over with C-Sec. Somewhat unsurprisingly certain contents of his final report on Saren had caused some "controversy" so the brass had called him in for a hearing- just a formality, apparently. Total crap, of course. They'd clearly had been trying to find a way to punish him for running off with her and making them all look bad.

Thinking about her old team-mate left a large and uncomfortable lump in her throat. She wished he was around right now- he'd make sense of this Cerberus insanity. Often in the past she had gotten bogged down with trying to analyse all the angles and outcomes of every decision she made and just end up mired in stress. Then he'd reel her back in and lay things out with the same single-minded efficiency with which he did everything. He also had the uncanny ability to know exactly when she needed to be called out on her bullshit.

They had been walking through the deserted structures for almost twenty minutes . Shepard felt a growing sense of paranoia and unease as they reached the residential portion of the colony. She'd only experienced this kind of silence in the wake of battle or massacres. But the scene before her didn't match- there were no bodies, no blood, no damage. No evidence of a fight at all. It was if the colonists had just been zapped out of existence. An involuntary shiver ascended her spine.

She was struck by the irony- it was the_ lack_ of corpses and blood and conflict that disturbed her. Ha!

A mechanical bleep sounded behind a pile of crate in front of her,

"What was that?" Miranda asked from behind her, her voice slightly shrill. Just then a security drone dove out cover toward them and Shepard sighed with impatient relief.

"Finally, something to shoot at" she said, raising her rifle and taking out one after the other. Beside her and behind her she felt the flare of biotics which never failed to set her teeth on edge in such close proximity. Shepard switched to her shotgun as LOKI mechs began to over run them. They were easy to take down and fun to shoot at. The model she had in her hands was an upgraded version of her old shotgun. The rhythm of aiming, firing, reloading; the recoil kicking back and sending shockwaves up her arm- it felt like coming home.

Sooner than she's have like the mechs were decimated. She looked over to Miranda and Jacob, not saying anything. They had worked together...adequately. Perhaps with some time they would be able to really function as a team.

The mechs were interesting, though. Someone had obviously programmed them to attack on sight which pointed to the possibility of surviving colonists.

They made their way into the housing pods, ejecting spent heat sinks and reloading their weapons as they walked. When they entered the structure they were ill-prepared to face the raised weapons that waited for them. Quarians it seemed.

"Stand down" said a voice that Shepard immediately, gratefully, recognized, " I'm ordering you to stand down." . It was Tali, cutting through the surreal haze Shepard had been living during the past couple days. Shepard felt compelled to hug the small Quarian out of relief and to further confirm that- yes, she was real, this was real. But she hesitated. Gone was the shy mechanic that had nerded out over the Normandy's drive core- it seemed in Shepard absence Tali had become something of a commander herself.

"Shepard? Shepard, is that really you"

"Tali, it's really me. Of course it's me. Remember the geth data? God, it's good to see you". The words fell out of her mouth in quick succession but before she could say any more one of other quarians interrupted,

"They're with Cerberus!" he said raising his weapon again.

"Enough Prazza!" Tali admonished the male Quarian sternly, " I told you to stand down". Prazza backed away but Shepard could see by the way he moved and held himself- he was still on edge, on guard.

"Shepard is this true?" Tali asked her, tilting her head questioningly. Something cold had crept into the quarian's voice. " I thought you were dead but you're working with Cerberus?". A double betrayel, Shepard heard and understood. She stifled her exuberant relief at seeing her friend and instead adopted an expression of utter seriousness and professionalism.

"No" she said clearly, and could feel Miranda shift to look at her, " I was injured…badly injured. I've been unconscious for two years. Cerberus fixed me up- but I don't take ordered from them". All her admissions felt like lies although she had only intended the first to be. Somehow Shepard couldn't' bring herself to admit just how badly "injured" she'd actually been. The fewer people who knew about her unintentional hiatus in the afterlife the better. Tali might have been wearing a mask but Shepard could feel her scrutinizing gaze on her.

Her explanation didn't seem to cut it for any of the Quarians,

"Okay" She said, giving up any pretense of knowing what the hell was going on, "What happened between Cerberus and the Quarians?"

"Where to start" hissed Prazza angrily, "They infiltrated our flotilla, killed our people and tried to blow up one of our ships"

"That's not how I'd have explained it" Miranda offered smoothly, quirking her eyebrow haughtily in the face of Prazza's righteous anger, " It was nothing personal"

"Sound pretty personal to me" Shepard ground out, annoyed, angry, humiliated. She turned to Jacob, "Are either of you going to even try and deny this?". She didn't really expect an answer but at least Jacob looked a bit uncomfortable, maybe. These were the people she'd allied herself to? 'You're judged by the company you keep' was something she'd heard before. Screwed, completely screwed, that's what she was.

"Were in the middle of a mission" Jacob said, somewhat more confidently than he appeared, " We can argue about who killed who later"

Shepard felt very much like punching him. That had not helped at all-distrust radiating off Tali like a miasma. It felt like a kick in the gut- one she deserved.

"What do you even want with this colony?" Miranda asked Tali coolly. Shepard gave Miranda a look that said 'shut the hell up' before speaking to Tali herself.

"I don't know much about any past…issues between Cerberus and the Quarians" she said carefully," But_ I'm_ here investigating the disappearances of the human colonists. If you've found anything that would help I'd really appreciate it- for old time's sake, Tali". Her Quarian friend sighed reluctantly letting go of some of the tension in her stance.

"We know as much as you- probably" she sighed tiredly," when we arrived the colony was deserted- We're were looking for a quarian on pilgramige called Veetor. He hadn't checked in with the fleet for a while which was worrying. He's always been nervous and when landed he ran from us. It was likely him who changed the mech's security protocols-"

"Wait- You saw him?" Shepard interrupted urgently, "Why'd he set the mechs on you?"

"He seemed disorientated- delusional even. I don't know if he even knew who we were. I think he might be sick, or feverish. If there was damage to his suit or CO₂ scrubbers he needs medical attention"

"Okay" Shepard said, coming to a decision " we should work together to find him". Tali nodded,

"I agree. We'll work in two teams to infiltrate the residential sector- you go through the warehouse and I'll take my team round the back entrance. We'll meet at the security office- if Veetor's controlling the mechs that's where he'll be holed up and if there's any heavy artillery we can take it out together.". Shepard nodded, it was a plan.

"Hold on" Prazza cut in, incredulous " now we're working with Cerberus?"

"No Prazza, You're working for me. If you can't take orders go wait on the ship."

Shepard had to hold back a smile. Whatever problems Tali had with her and Cerberus it warmed her to see her usually shy friend taking this command role in her stride. Then again, although the Quarian had been quiet she'd also had a sharp wit and lightning temper. The other Quarians were still sulky but listened and co-operated when Shepard and Tali work out the details of the plan.

* * *

Shepard crouched behind a ground vehicle with her rifle loaded, so far things had gone off without a hitch. Her schematics told her that the security command centre lay behind a door on the far side of a courtyard they had just entered. Problem was there were two YMIR heavy mechs guarding the entrance to the building- it would take a combined strike from bother her team and Tali's to take them down.

Tali informed her over comms that she and her team were closing in on their location. Shepard clicked off the safety on her rifle and waited for the signal.

Before she knew what was happening Prazza and a few other Quarians launched out from behind a storage container and charged the mechs.

"Shepard" Tali shout over comms "Their trying to get to Veetor to before you"

"We can't trust these Cerberus bastards" Prazza's yell was audible over comms and from across the courtyard. There was nothing for it- Shepard opened fire from cover but it was already too late. Prazza and the two other Quarians that had been riddled with bullet within seconds of charging the mechs front on.

" Everybody! Go now!" She shouted over comms and she and the Quarians flanked the mechs, Miranda and Jacobs combining biotics to overload their shields. After that it took a few well-place rifle-shots from Shepard to the mechs' joints to immobilize them and then a hail of bullets before they exploded. There were no other casualties.

With the YMIR mechs crumpled and smoking Tali walked over to Prazza's body,

" You fool" she said tiredly, without anger, " just another Cerberus casualty"

" It was his decision to disobey orders- and he paid the price" Miranda volunteered, unasked.

Shepard ignored both of them and made her way to the security office. She understood that Tali didn't blame Prazza for not trusting Cerberus- How could anyone really?


	5. Chapter 5

**C-SEC SECURITY RECORDS**

**TRANSCRIPT OF CALL: 10093-3902002-394994-ED**  
**LOGGED: 04h00 GST. DAY 26. ROTATION 6. 2183CE**  
**DURATION: 01MIN07SEC**

*****line established*****

**VAKARIAN, YOU THERE?**

**RODRIGEUZ? IS THAT YOU?**

**YEAH. LOOK I'M ON PATROL IN THE SHUTTLE BAYS. YOU NEED TO COME DOWN TO DOCK 68E.**

**I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 'UNPAID LEAVE', REMEMBER?**

**THIS ISN'T ABOUT…C-SEC, ITS NOT WORK. IT'S A, GOD- IT'S A COURTESY. ME AND THE OTHER OFFICERS HERE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW, AT LEAST BEFORE THE PRESS GETS HOLD OF IT…**

**KNOW WHAT?**

**THE NORMANDY WENT DOWN… IN THE OMEGA NEBULA I THINK.**

**… RODRIGEUZ. IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE…**

**CHRIST, VAKARIAN. THAT'S NOT…LOOK, I'M SORRY BUT SOME OF THE CREW GOT IN ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE DOCKING BAY YET. A FEW REPORTERS HAVE ALREADY ARRIVED**

**…SOME OF THE CREW?**

**YEAH…ITS JUST RUMOUR BUT EVERYONE'S SAYING THAT COMMANDER SHEPARD AND THE OTHERS WENT DOWN WITH THE SHIP…**

**…**

**VAKARIAN?...GARRUS?**

*****call ended*****

* * *

As the Cerberus station came into view Shepard realized she'd endured yet another awkward shuttle ride. It seemed to be a developing trend with Cerberus. Miranda was colder than usual and even Jacob seemed immersed in his own thoughts. Shepard knew the unpleasantness stemmed, in part, from her decision to let Veetor go with the Quarians.

She'd seen nothing else for it- Tali was her friend and Veetor had been sick- a life-threatening state for a Quarian. She knew, somewhat first hand, that Cerberus had the medical technology and expertise but she doubted whether they could have cared for him better than his own people. When they'd entered the security office he'd been babbling and feverish- something about swarms and being "taken". It was only after some gentle coaxing from Shepard that he began to make sense at all. And then there had been the security footage he'd pulled up- this was the other reason the shuttle was currently uncomfortably silent. The vids had shown something which Shepard had, until then, believed to be a Spacer urban legend- Collectors. And with them these _alien_ creatures had brought the means by which to immobilize the colonists and …harvest them. There was no other way to describe it. According to Miranda it wasn't unusual for Collectors to be interested obtaining organic specimens. What _was_ unusual is that they usually took corpses. The swarms in the vid that incapacitated the colonists, as well as the pods they were loaded in, seemed to be for the purpose of keeping them unharmed. The volume of colonist that they were abducting was also unprecedented.

So the threat was real- The Illusive Man had been right.

The shuttle docked in the station and Shepard, Miranda and Jacob made their way through decontamination.

"The Illusive Man wishes to see you immediately" Miranda said and Shepard caught something in her tone that was just intolerably _snippy_.

"Do we have a problem here?" she asked, catching Miranda's arm before she could walk away and looking at her straight in the eye.

"No, we don't" Miranda began, "You are capable enough – your history speaks for itself on that point. I just hope that your interests are in line with ours"

"My only interest is in seeing that no more colonists get abducted- I thought that was the one thing I had in common with Cerberus". She glared at Miranda before letting her go and stalking away in the direction of the comm room. It was clearer than ever now- her association with Cerberus had an expiry date. If she could get the Alliance interested and convince them to devote resources in the way of investigating the Collectors then she would jump ship. Barring that it didn't matter what Cerberus had done for her- she was walking away once this mess was cleared up and the Collectors dealt with. End of story.

Once again the holo projection of the Illusive Man flickered into place and their meeting commenced.

"Shepard," he greeted her, "and interesting decision to let the Quarian go- not necessarily how I would have done it but the Quarians have forwarded us some useful intel in response. It's a surprising olive branch given our history"

"Guess it pays to have friends" Shepard said impertinently

"You get results Shepard- that's all I'm interested in"- The ends justify the means, in other words thought Shepard.

"Something tells me you're not surprised the Collectors are involved" she stated distrustfully, crossing her arms.

"True, I've had my suspicions for some time- which you confirmed. They're a dangerous because we know so little about them. Everything I do have though, seem to suggest they're working with the Reapers"

"That's a bit of a stretch, don't you think? You have any proof?"

"Just because you delayed the purge doesn't mean the Reapers aren't still out there. As for proof- there're Patterns in the data". A bullshit line if she'd ever heard one, thought Shepard.

"'Patterns in the data' I hope you have more to go on than that?"

"That's precisely why it'll be part of your directive"

"So you want me to stop the Collectors and figure out if their working with the Reapers? I'll need a team"

"Does this mean you've decided to work for us-"

"Work _with_ you- and yes. For now. At least until the Alliance get off their asses and do something"

"Pardon the expression, Commander- but I wouldn't hold my breath on that. As for your team, that's already been seen to. I've forwarded you a number of dossiers. Select whoever you want but convincing them to join you will be your responsibility"

"I had a good team- people I can trust" Shepard said. Something like exasperation crossed the Illusive Man's features

"It's been two years, Commander. I'm afraid your old acquaintances have moved on and gone their separate ways. Most of them are impossible to track down- even for me". Shepard wasn't sure if she believed him completely but knew arguing was pointless.

"Fine, I get it. They're not available." Regardless she would look for them herself when she found the time. The only one question now remained-

"Now for the last order of business- your ship "said the Illusive Man, as if reading her mind…

* * *

Shepard stood beside Joker and stared at the new Normandy- rebuilt just like her. When the Illusive Man had introduced Jeff as her pilot and they'd unveiled the uncanny frigate a tirade of thoughts and emotions had tumbled through her- first of which was relief at seeing Joker alive and kicking, so to speak. The pilot may have always been a cheeky son of a bitch but he was like family. She wondered if hiring him had been more about placating her than making use of Joker's, admittedly significant, expertise at the helm. At the moment she wasn't sure if she really cared- having a familiar face along for the ride was more than she had dared hope for.

"So what do you think?" Joker said nodding toward the Normandy, currently being buffed and checked over by teams of Cerberus engineers.

"She's a beauty" said Shepard taking a deep breath"

"That she is Commander- Just like old time, huh?"

"I don't know about that. For one thing, this time round we're with Cerberus, not the Alliance. Pretty sure that's not an improvement"

"They're not all bad- brought you back, and they rebuilt my baby"

"You trust the Illusive Man?" Shepard tried to say lightly but a hint of seriousness crept in

"I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do" Joker said shrugging, "Besides- Alliance, The Council, Cerberus- makes no difference. I take orders from _you_, Commander". Shepard smiled,

"Wow. You better stop kissing my ass, Joker. It really doesn't suit you". The pilot laughed.

"It's just good to have you back". A quiet look passed between them as they both remembered their final moments aboard the last Normandy. Unable to get it out of his head, the sequence had been playing back to Jeff for two years now. He'd explored every "if" and "should've"-, if only we hadn't been sent into the ass end of the Terminus Systems, if only I'd engaged FTL when I had the chance, if only the Normandy barriers had held, if only I wasn't a useless cripple, should've just evacuated, should've listened, should've been me. It was so wrong, so backward. He was pilot, a damn good one, but still replaceable- Shepard was…_needed_.

He remembered arriving at the emergency docking terminal. The injured had received basic medical treatment on the Alliance patrol vessel that had picked them up but some crew members had sustained severe burns. In the chaos he realized no one knew - they'd all evacuated before him- no one knew that Shepard was gone. It was only once the EMTs had begun to clear away the seriously injured that Kaiden had come to him, eyes wild and searching and grabbed his arm. At first there were no words- the pilot just looked at him numbly and shook his head and it was understood.

"You're a fucking liar" was what Kaiden had spat out first but quickly shifted to more inventive expletives, tumbling out of him without grace or mercy. Chakwas had come to take the Lieutenant away eventually- by then everyone had caught on. Shepard was dead.

Like a rock disturbing a pond it had sent ripples of _change_ outward. Except this was no pebble, thought Jeff, it was a fucking meteor and they had all been washed away- displaced and separated- in the ensuing tidal wave wrought by the Commander's death.

That day, after Alenko's thunderous abuse, Jeff had found himself a spot as out of people's way and just sat and watched them fall apart. He didn't bother telling anyone about his broken arm or, he suspected, broken ribs. He just wanted to be left alone, placated and numbed by the pain. And then he'd seen him- how long the Turian had been there Jeff didn't know but as soon as they spotted each other Garrus headed straight for him. It was the first time he'd seen him in civilian clothes, without armor or even his visor. Jeff thought he looked more alien than ever.

Garrus had sat with him in silence for a few moments before speaking,

"You know what she'd tell you right? - not to be an idiot, not to blame yourself". He was so _calm_ it was unbelievable and Jeff remembered wondering how Turians grieved- if they grieved.

"You know her best.. or knew her best" he'd then said. Garrus had shifted beside him almost imperceptibly; the motion reminded Jeff of a bird ruffling its feathers.

"Take care Joker- don't be an idiot" the Turian had said before getting up and leaving him.

So he'd tried. He hadn't been able to leave the Normandy because that just who he was- and she hadn't been able to leave him because that's who she had been.

And here they were, back again- the Normandy too.

* * *

Shepard looked over the dossiers in her new cabin that seemed far too large to be allowed. For the most part the Normandy, physically, was the same- although far slicker than any military budget allowed. She'd been told there had been some upgrades in the drive core and engineering but it honestly went straight over her head. Of course there was EDI, despite Joker's vehement, and amusing, dislike for the AI Shepard was still forming her opinion.

Upon entering the ship EDI's soothing voice had greeted her politely and been as helpful as her programming allowed. Due to the clandestine nature of Cerberus she'd been unsurprised that most of the data she queried from EDI had been deemed classified. It disturbed her more that sections of her ship were barred from her access, despite her technological ineptitude knowing every nook and cranny of the vessel she served on was important to her.

She hadn't had much time to get to know the crew but a few had introduced themselves- including Kelly Chambers. The fact there was a psychiatrist aboard spoke volumes on Cerberus' opinion of her. The doctor's presence she could tolerate but Chambers had better keep her nose out of her business. She'd been tempted to share such sentiments with the young psychiatrist but held her tongue- no use in giving any ammunition to Miranda whom Chambers no doubt reported to.

In fact such a chain of command distressed her- whether she or Miranda was in charge could be debatable. They both reported to the Illusive Man but Miranda was privy to information that had been put out of Shepard's reach. And what Miranda relayed to the Illusive Man no doubt involved Shepard and her performance. Chambers, Lawson…she hated the feeling of being _monitored._

The intercom clicked on and EDI's smooth voice filled the cabin,

"Commander, we are approaching the relay and should be entering the Terminus Systems momentarily"

"Thanks EDI, tell Operative Lawson and Jacob to suit up- we'll be heading to Omega immediately. The less time we spend in these parts the better"

* * *

The air on Omega was cloying and thick, so tightly packed with people and detritus the place felt more like a sweating, writhing organism than a space station. In her travels Shepard had never come across so many species living in such close proximity to each other. Even on the Citadel everyone mostly kept company with their own kind. Their purpose there was simply- find Mordin Solus. Before they could even consider going up against the Collectors they had to find a way to combat the incapacitating swarms they had seen in the footage on Freedom's Progress. Dr Solus apparently had the capacity to come up with solution so Shepard had agreed with the Illusive Man's suggestion to recruit him first- how long it would take for the scientist to find such a fix was anyone's guess so the longer they had him working on it, the better. The other dossier she'd received, this Archangel, would have to wait for now. Although a 'tactical expertise' and 'Omni-tool expert' did sound useful, she thought.

She, Miranda and Jacob stood at the precipice of Afterlife- the club that they'd been ordered to report to by some batarian errand boy that had accosted them at the docking station. It had come courtesy of the local ruler- and asari called Aria. Miranda flipped through her omni-tool while they waited, the muted thump of bass tones from the music inside were already giving Shepard a headache,

"There's no lack of intel on this Aria T'Loak "Miranda announced

"She dangerous?" asked Shepard

"At the very least we shouldn't piss her off. She came out on top of the last bloodbath that seems to happen every so often here- determines who runs this place apparently. She's got commando history too"

"Fantastic" Shepard muttered and they entered Afterlife. God how she hated clubs- and it wasn't _only_ because she had two left feet. The tightly packed bodies all gyrating for attention to a frenetic, repetitive beat; the way everyone regarded each other with predatory eyes- it made her uncomfortable. If anything she preferred to find herself the quietest, most out of the way spot at the bar and unwind in peace. Miranda, however was attracting many appreciative stares and looks and Shepard wondered, not for the first time, how anyone could effectively do anything in the slinky, skin-tight suit she called a 'uniform'.

They made their way across the dance floors through the vermillion lights of Afterlife and up the stairs to Aria's private booth. From here the asari could see the whole club, filled to the brim. Stations and ships had no day or night and were governed instead by cycles. Shepard wouldn't be surprised if Afterlife were always this densely packed.

"that's close enough" said Aria and turned around to face Shepard's approach. Abruptly everyone was pointing guns at one another- hardly anything new in Omega but she managed to keep the situation contained. Her people lowered their weapons at her command and she gestured to one of her men who brought forth a DNA scanner and set him on Shepard.

"If you're looking for weapons you're not doing a very good job" the Commander said

"Can't be too careful with dead Spectres" Aria supplied, "Could be anyone wearing Shepard's face"

"Well it's not" she said but without showing any impatience. The scanner beeped encouragingly

"She's clean" said the batarian operating the device and he stepped away.

"I hear you want to talk" Aria said, offering Shepard a seat in her booth. The human did look like the person she'd seen in the vid, although with some new scars. Aria could see the glow of cybernetics underneath and wondered how much Cerberus had gotten away with in that regard. Whether they knew it or not she was more well-informed than she would ever let on but as to the extent of Shepard's 'upgrade'? - She could learn more.

"I'm looking for some people and thought you could help. I heard you were in charge around here" Shepard announced and Aria decided that, for now, she would play the obliging host.

* * *

They exited the club and headed toward the station's transport shuttles. Aria had been far more helpful than Shepard had expected. She had the same superiority complex that most asari did but Shepard got the feeling that Aria was at least aware that she possessed it. Narcissism and dramatics notwithstanding the asari pirate queen had pointed her in the direction of both Archangel and Solus. And her ambivalent attitude toward Shepard and her mission was a refreshing relief- it would at least make things a lot easier.

"So are we headed to the quarantine zone and Solus' clinic?" Jacob asked as they approached a shuttle.

"No" Shepard said, "You heard the lady- this Archangel guy doesn't have much time left. If we have any hope at recruiting him at all we move now. Solus can wait"

Miranda and Jacob nodded before entering the shuttle.

* * *

**Hi guys, I hate doing this but the last chapter didn't get any reviews. This is really discouraging. If you're enjoying the story or have any thoughts or suggestions please put them into a review- I wanna know how I'm doing, here? For example is it a complete waste of time to do those little intro sections?**

**Anyway. finally GARRUS in the next chapter. YAY!**


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